Funny Quotes

Most popular funny quotes

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. - Jack Benny quote.
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

awards

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock. - Henny Youngman quote.
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

wealth

It is useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they're madly in love, drunk, or running for office.

politicians honesty

There is nothing you can say in answer to a compliment. I have been complimented myself a great many times, and they always embarrass me. I always feel they have not said enough. - Mark Twain quote.
There is nothing you can say in answer to a compliment. I have been complimented myself a great many times, and they always embarrass me. I always feel they have not said enough.

compliments

I can live for two months on a good compliment. - Mark Twain quote.
I can live for two months on a good compliment.

praise compliments

Some fellows pay a compliment like they expected a receipt. - Kin Hubbard quote.
Some fellows pay a compliment like they expected a receipt.

compliments

If you tell a good story, its narration will remind hearers of a bad one. - E. W. Howe quote.
If you tell a good story, its narration will remind hearers of a bad one.

stories

A never-failing way to get rid of a fellow is to tell him something for his own good. - Kin Hubbard quote.
A never-failing way to get rid of a fellow is to tell him something for his own good.

criticism

Most people would sooner die than think, and often do. - Bertrand Russell quote.
Most people would sooner die than think, and often do.

critical thinking cynical

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

egotism

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian [Native American]. - Robert Orben quote.
Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian [Native American].

America

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. - Robert Orben quote.
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

education for teachers

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that "individuality" is the key to success. - Robert Orben quote.
A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that "individuality" is the key to success.

graduation

Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some smaller countries are neutral. - Robert Orben quote.
Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some smaller countries are neutral.

anxiety

There are only two kinds of people in this world. The realists and the dreamers. The realists know where they are going and the dreamers have already been there. - Robert Orben quote.
There are only two kinds of people in this world. The realists and the dreamers. The realists know where they are going and the dreamers have already been there.

dreams

Most people want to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. - Robert Orben quote.
Most people want to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.

temptation

I take my children everywhere. Unfortunately, they find a way home. - Robert Orben quote.
I take my children everywhere. Unfortunately, they find a way home.

children

Think twice before you speak, and then you may be able to say something more insulting than if you spoke right out at once.

insults

You can get more done with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word. - Johnny Carson quote.
You can get more done with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.

kindness

It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse races. - Mark Twain quote.
It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse races.

opinions

I'm learning about people the hard way, by being one. - Ashleigh Brilliant quote.
I'm learning about people the hard way, by being one.

mankind

It is not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.

blame

I have never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they could do was to go away. - Thomas Love Peacock quote.
I have never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they could do was to go away.

oratory

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant. - Scott Adams quote.
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.

consultants

The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management. - Scott Adams quote.
The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.

management office

You're thinking I'm one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I'm not. I say it's a free country and you should be able to kill yourself at any rate you choose, as long as your cold dead body is not blocking my driveway. - Scott Adams quote.
You're thinking I'm one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I'm not. I say it's a free country and you should be able to kill yourself at any rate you choose, as long as your cold dead body is not blocking my driveway.

food vegetarian

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for. - Will Rogers quote.
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.

government

Speak the truth, but leave immediately after.

truth honesty proverbs

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. - Mark Twain quote.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

education school

I'm not aging. I'm ripening to perfection.

aging

Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. - Oscar Wilde quote.
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.

arguments

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

atheism

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. - Albert Einstein quote.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

stupidity

Others have been made fools of by the girls; but, this can never be with truth said of me. I most emphatically, in this instance, made a fool of myself. - Abraham Lincoln quote.
Others have been made fools of by the girls; but, this can never be with truth said of me. I most emphatically, in this instance, made a fool of myself.

personal

They once asked me what one person accounted for most of my personal felicity in life, and I said, 'That's easy—that would be my wife's first husband.' - Charlie Munger quote.
They once asked me what one person accounted for most of my personal felicity in life, and I said, 'That's easy—that would be my wife's first husband.'

personal

Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it. - Mark Twain quote.
Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.

truth

"Classic." A book which people praise and don't read. - Mark Twain quote.
"Classic." A book which people praise and don't read.

reading classics

Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed. - Mark Twain quote.
Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.

foolishness Fools

By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. - Mark Twain quote.
By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

adversity

Simple rules for saving money: To save half, when you are fired by an eager impulse to contribute to a charity, wait, and count forty. To save three-quarters, count sixty. To save it all, count sixty-five. - Mark Twain quote.
Simple rules for saving money: To save half, when you are fired by an eager impulse to contribute to a charity, wait, and count forty. To save three-quarters, count sixty. To save it all, count sixty-five.

charity

And my breasts—it's better not to mention them at all except to say that they seemed to be in a race to see which could be first to reach my knees. - Maya Angelou quote.
And my breasts—it's better not to mention them at all except to say that they seemed to be in a race to see which could be first to reach my knees.

aging

I am definitely going to take a course on time management... just as soon as I can work it into my schedule.

time

Know yourself. Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. - Ann Landers quote.
Know yourself. Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

know yourself

Be yourself. No one can ever tell you you're doing it wrong.

be yourself

I don't want everyone to like me; I should think less of myself if some people did. - Henry James quote.
I don't want everyone to like me; I should think less of myself if some people did.

what others think

We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always respect their good judgment.

human nature

Wisdom is the quality that keeps you from getting into situations where you need it. - Doug Larson quote.
Wisdom is the quality that keeps you from getting into situations where you need it.

wisdom

People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage. - Doug Larson quote.
People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage.

age

The trouble with class reunions is that old flames have become even older. - Doug Larson quote.
The trouble with class reunions is that old flames have become even older.
Some folks never exaggerate—they just remember big.
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
— Commercial Appeal (Danville, Virginia)
If you're yearning for the good old days, just turn off the air conditioning.
We'd all like a reputation for generosity, and we'd all like to buy it cheap.
You can't put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories.

love

It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen.

relationships

Love letters are the campaign promises of the heart.

love

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. - G. K. Chesterton quote.
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.
You don't marry one person; you marry three: the person you think they are, the person they are, and the person they are going to become as the result of being married to you.

marriage

Married life teaches one invaluable lesson: to think of things far enough ahead not to say them.

marriage holding your tongue

A family vacation is one where you arrive with five bags, four kids and seven I-thought-you-packed-its.

family vacation

Before most people start boasting about their family tree, they usually do a good pruning job. - Orlando Aloysius Battista quote.
Before most people start boasting about their family tree, they usually do a good pruning job.

family

The beauty of "spacing" children many years apart lies in the fact that parents have time to learn the mistakes that were made with the older ones—which permits them to make exactly the opposite mistakes with the younger ones. - Sydney Harris quote.
The beauty of "spacing" children many years apart lies in the fact that parents have time to learn the mistakes that were made with the older ones—which permits them to make exactly the opposite mistakes with the younger ones.

parenting

Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

parenting

If children grew up according to early indications, we should have nothing but geniuses. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe quote.
If children grew up according to early indications, we should have nothing but geniuses.

parenting growing up children

Willpower is being able to eat just one salted peanut.

willpower

Some people march to a different drummer—and some people polka.
— Los Angeles Times Syndicate

human nature

Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.

human nature patience

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot. - Steven Wright quote.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

fishing

Some people get lost in thought because it's such unfamiliar territory.

foolishness

A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours. - Malcolm S. Forbes quote.
A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours.

boring people human nature

A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one-and-a-half times his own weight in other people's patience. - John Updike quote.
A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one-and-a-half times his own weight in other people's patience.

boring people

A bore is a fellow talker who can change the subject to his topic of conversation faster than you can change it back to yours. - Dr. Laurence J. Peter quote.
A bore is a fellow talker who can change the subject to his topic of conversation faster than you can change it back to yours.

boring people

It is better to have loafed and lost than never to have loafed at all. - James Thurber quote.
It is better to have loafed and lost than never to have loafed at all.

laziness

I can do only one thing at a time, but I can avoid doing many things simultaneously. - Ashleigh Brilliant quote.
I can do only one thing at a time, but I can avoid doing many things simultaneously.

laziness

A habit is something you can do without thinking—which is why most of us have so many of them.

habit

The best way to break a habit is to drop it.

habit

A bad habit never disappears miraculously; it's an undo-it-yourself project. - Abigail Van Buren quote.
A bad habit never disappears miraculously; it's an undo-it-yourself project.

habit

Lord, where we are wrong, make us willing to change; where we are right, make us easy to live with.
A leader who keeps his ear to the ground allows his rear end to become a target.

leadership

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. - Mark Twain quote.
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

example

Swing hard, in case they throw the ball where you're swinging.

action luck

Experience is a wonderful thing; it enables you to recognize a mistake every time you repeat it.
— The Associated Press

experience

Anybody who profits from the experience of others probably writes biographies. - Franklin P. Jones quote.
Anybody who profits from the experience of others probably writes biographies.

experience

Perhaps the angels who fear to tread where fools rush in used to be fools who rushed in. - Franklin P. Jones quote.
Perhaps the angels who fear to tread where fools rush in used to be fools who rushed in.

experience

We're all proud of making little mistakes. It gives us the feeling we don't make any big ones. - Andy Rooney quote.
We're all proud of making little mistakes. It gives us the feeling we don't make any big ones.

mistakes

To err is human; to admit it, superhuman. - Doug Larson quote.
To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.

mistakes

If at first you do succeed—try to hide your astonishment.
— Los Angeles Times Syndicate

success

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. There's no use in being a damn fool about it. - W. C. Fields quote.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. There's no use in being a damn fool about it.

failure perseverance

If at first you don't succeed, you are running about average.

failure

Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably the reason so few engage in it. - Henry Ford quote.
Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably the reason so few engage in it.

critical thinking

It's strange how unimportant your job is when you're asking for a raise, but how important it can be when you want to take a day off.
Earl Mathes in Tri-County Record (Kiel, Wisconsin)

work

Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel across the country from coast to coast without seeing anything. - Charles Kuralt quote.
Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel across the country from coast to coast without seeing anything.

Travel cars

Mincing your words makes it easier if you have to eat them later. - Franklin P. Jones quote.
Mincing your words makes it easier if you have to eat them later.

communication

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them. - Adlai Stevenson quote.
Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

language

When a man eats his words, that's recyling.
Why doesn't the fellow who says "I'm no speechmaker" let it go at that instead of giving a demonstration? - Kin Hubbard quote.
Why doesn't the fellow who says "I'm no speechmaker" let it go at that instead of giving a demonstration?

oratory communication

The reason we make a long story short is so that we can tell another.

communication

There is nothing like sealing a letter to inspire a fresh thought.

letters

People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it. - Ogden Nash quote.
People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it.

human nature desire empathy advice

Without education, we are in a horrible and deadly danger of taking educated people seriously. - G. K. Chesterton quote.
Without education, we are in a horrible and deadly danger of taking educated people seriously.

education

When I want to read a novel, I write one. - Benjamin Disraeli quote.
When I want to read a novel, I write one.

writing

No one should be allowed to play the violin until he has mastered it.

music violin

He who believes that the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs.

the past

Truth hurts—not the searching after; the running from!

truth

When you stretch the truth, watch out for the snapback.

lies

You know you've reached middle age when a doctor, not a policeman, tells you to slow down, all you exercise are your prerogatives and it takes you longer to rest than to get tired.
— Friends News Sheet (Royal Perth Hospital, Australia)

age middle age

If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all. - Joey Adams quote.
If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all.

exercise laziness

It's not easy taking my problems one at a time when they refuse to get in line. - Ashleigh Brilliant quote.
It's not easy taking my problems one at a time when they refuse to get in line.

problems

What I'm looking for is a blessing that's not in disguise.

luck

Nothing is really lost. It's just where it doesn't belong.
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. - Mark Twain quote.
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.

heaven

Serendipity is looking in a haystack for a needle and discovering the farmer's daughter.

luck

Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties. - Doug Larson quote.
Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.

cynical impossible

Everybody wants to go back to nature—but not on foot.

nature

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind—a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house. - Woody Allen quote.
The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind—a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.

universe God

Justice may be blind, but she has very sophisticated listening devices.

justice

The real beauty of democracy is that the average man believes he is above average.

democracy

The bedfellows politics makes are never strange. It only seems that way to those who have not watched the courtship.

politics

Politics has got so expensive that it takes lots of money to even get beat with nowadays. - Will Rogers quote.
Politics has got so expensive that it takes lots of money to even get beat with nowadays.

politics

No man should enter politics unless he is either independently rich or independently poor.

politics

The truly skillful politician is one who, when he comes to a fork in the road, goes both ways.

politicians

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. - Will Rogers quote.
Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

politicians

When things don't go well they like to blame presidents; and that's something that presidents are paid for. - John F. Kennedy quote.
When things don't go well they like to blame presidents; and that's something that presidents are paid for.

politicians president

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. - Will Rogers quote.
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

government humor

A big disappointment in life is the discovery that the man who writes the finance company ads isn't the one who makes the loans.
— The London Free Press (Ontario)
Time was when the average person could pay as he goes. Nowadays he has to pay as he comes and goes. - Orlando Aloysius Battista quote.
Time was when the average person could pay as he goes. Nowadays he has to pay as he comes and goes.

taxes

An economist's guess is liable to be just as good as anybody else's. - Will Rogers quote.
An economist's guess is liable to be just as good as anybody else's.

economists

The shortest recorded period of time lies between the minute you put some money away for a rainy day and the unexpected arrival of rain. - Jane Bryant Quinn quote.
The shortest recorded period of time lies between the minute you put some money away for a rainy day and the unexpected arrival of rain.

money

Money does make all the difference. If you have two jobs and you're rich, you have diversified interests. If you have two jobs and you're poor, you're moonlighting.
— Changing Times

money

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. - Woody Allen quote.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

money

A rand goes a long way these days. You can carry it around for days without finding a thing it will buy.
— Daily Dispatch (East London, South Africa)

inflation money

When a man says money can do anything, that settles it; he hasn't any. - E. W. Howe quote.
When a man says money can do anything, that settles it; he hasn't any.

money

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me. - Warren Buffett quote.
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
Warren Buffett Berkshire Hathaway 1994 annual meeting; Andy Kilpatrick, Of Permanent Value
Of the seven deadly sins, envy is the silliest, because if you have it, you don't feel better. You feel worse. I've had some good times with gluttony. We won't get into lust. - Warren Buffett quote.
Of the seven deadly sins, envy is the silliest, because if you have it, you don't feel better. You feel worse. I've had some good times with gluttony. We won't get into lust.

morals envy sin

If at first you do succeed, quit trying. - Warren Buffett quote.
If at first you do succeed, quit trying.

investing

That which is not worth doing at all is not worth doing well. - Warren Buffett quote.
That which is not worth doing at all is not worth doing well.

investing

We believe that according the name investors to institutions that trade actively is like calling someone who repeatedly engages in one-night stands a romantic. - Warren Buffett quote.
We believe that according the name investors to institutions that trade actively is like calling someone who repeatedly engages in one-night stands a romantic.

financial industry investing

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy. - Sam Levenson quote.
The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

grandparents children grandchildren parenting

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. - Robert C. Savage quote.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

manners

It is human nature to think wisely and act in an absurd fashion. - Anatole France quote.
It is human nature to think wisely and act in an absurd fashion.

human nature

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. - Mae West quote.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

morals

We are born in simplicity but die of complications.

death

The best cure for unrequited love: get to know them better. - Alain de Botton quote.
The best cure for unrequited love: get to know them better.

love

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. - Woody Allen quote.
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

love sex

Here's a rule I recommend: Never practice two vices at once. - Tallulah Bankhead quote.
Here's a rule I recommend: Never practice two vices at once.

vice

When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear. - Mark Twain quote.
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.

anger

I don't believe anything, but I have many suspicions. - Robert Anton Wilson quote.
I don't believe anything, but I have many suspicions.

beliefs

It is very unnerving to be proven wrong, particularly when you are really right and the person who is really wrong is proving you wrong and proving himself, wrongly, right.

egotism right and wrong

If you think you're enlightened go spend a week with your family. - Ram Dass quote.
If you think you're enlightened go spend a week with your family.

family

Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories. - John Wilmot quote.
Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories.

parenting

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. - H. L. Mencken quote.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

religion

Admiration: acknowledgment of another's similarity to oneself.

admiration

How you lose or keep your hair depends on how wisely you choose your parents.

parents

His indecision is final.

decision-making

Many of us don't know what poor losers we are until we try dieting.

dieting

You must know your limitations. I drink a bottle of jack daniel's a day, that's mine.

alcohol

I drink to make other people interesting. - George Jean Nathan quote.
I drink to make other people interesting.

drinking

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. - W. C. Fields quote.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

drinking

I drink no more than a sponge. - François Rabelais quote.
I drink no more than a sponge.

drinking

He has a profound respect for old age, Especially when it's bottled. - Gene Fowler quote.
He has a profound respect for old age, Especially when it's bottled.

alcohol

Whoever perpetrated the mathematical inaccuracy "two can live as cheaply as one" has a lot to answer for.

marriage

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart. - E. E. Cummings quote.
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

thrift

No man is completely useless; he can always serve as a bad example.

example

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

failure

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous. - Robert Benchley quote.
It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.

talent writing fame

To eat is human, to digest, divine. - Mark Twain quote.
To eat is human, to digest, divine.

food

Many a live wire would be a dead one except for his connections.
Angels can fly because they can take themselves lightly. - G. K. Chesterton quote.
Angels can fly because they can take themselves lightly.
I would rather have my ignorance than another man's knowledge, because I have so much of it. - Mark Twain quote.
I would rather have my ignorance than another man's knowledge, because I have so much of it.

ignorance

People who say that money can't buy happiness just don't know where to shop.

money

No problem is too big to run away from. - Charles Shultz quote.
No problem is too big to run away from.

problems

I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked at in the right way did not become still more complicated.

problems

I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one. - Mark Twain quote.
I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one.

opportunity

That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers.
People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.

babies

The penalty for success is to be bored by the people who used to snub you.

success

When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute—and it's longer than any hour. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein quote.
When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute—and it's longer than any hour. That's relativity.

time

The longest word in the English language is the one that follows the phrase, "And now a word from our sponsor."

advertising

In any community of a thousand souls there will be nine hundred doing the work, ninety doing well, nine doing good, and one lucky dog painting or writing about the other nine hundred and ninety-nine. - Tom Stoppard quote.
In any community of a thousand souls there will be nine hundred doing the work, ninety doing well, nine doing good, and one lucky dog painting or writing about the other nine hundred and ninety-nine.

artists

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made. - George Burns quote.
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

acting

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half. - Gracie Allen quote.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.

birth

I think it's wonderful that you could all be here for the forty third anniversary of my thirty-ninth birthday. We decided not to light the candles this year—we were afraid Pan Am would mistake it for a runway. - Bob Hope quote.
I think it's wonderful that you could all be here for the forty third anniversary of my thirty-ninth birthday. We decided not to light the candles this year—we were afraid Pan Am would mistake it for a runway.

birthday

Business is like sex. When it's good, it's very, very good; when it's not so good, it's still good.

business

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. - Clarence Darrow quote.
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.

politicians

You know children are growing up when they start asking questions that have answers.

children asking questions

I smoke in moderation. Only one cigar at a time. - Mark Twain quote.
I smoke in moderation. Only one cigar at a time.

Cigar cigars

My sister's at divinity school studying how to become a divinity, I suppose.

clergy

The hardest task in a girl's life is to prove to a man that his intentions are serious. - Helen Rowland quote.
The hardest task in a girl's life is to prove to a man that his intentions are serious.

courtship

Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? - Rita Rudner quote.
Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck quote.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

doctors

The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter-he's got to just know. - Will Rogers quote.
The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter-he's got to just know.

doctors

The longer I practice medicine the more convinced I am there are only two types of cases: those that involve taking the trousers off and those that don't. - Alan Bennett quote.
The longer I practice medicine the more convinced I am there are only two types of cases: those that involve taking the trousers off and those that don't.

doctors

Only presidents, editors and people with tapeworm have the right to use the editorial 'we'. - Mark Twain quote.
Only presidents, editors and people with tapeworm have the right to use the editorial 'we'.

editors

There have been many definitions of hell, but for the English the best definition is that it is the place where the Germans are the police, the Swedish are the comedians, the Italians are the defense force, Frenchmen dig the roads, the Belgians are the pop singers, the Spanish run the railways, the Turks cook the food, the Irish are the waiters, the Greeks run the government, and the common language is Dutch. - David Frost quote.
There have been many definitions of hell, but for the English the best definition is that it is the place where the Germans are the police, the Swedish are the comedians, the Italians are the defense force, Frenchmen dig the roads, the Belgians are the pop singers, the Spanish run the railways, the Turks cook the food, the Irish are the waiters, the Greeks run the government, and the common language is Dutch.

English people

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.

wife

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. - Woody Allen quote.
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

marriage

I won't eat anything that has intelligent life, but I'd gladly eat a network executive or a politician.

politicians

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late.

marriage cynical

Matrimony is a process by which a grocer acquired an account the florist had.

marriage

It was loud in spots and less loud in other spots, and it all had that quality which I have noticed in all violin solos of seeming to last much longer than it actually did. - P. G. Wodehouse quote.
It was loud in spots and less loud in other spots, and it all had that quality which I have noticed in all violin solos of seeming to last much longer than it actually did.

violin

If thine enemy wrongs thee, buy each of his children a drum.
— Chinese proverb

Chinese proverbs revenge proverbs

Nothing makes you more tolerant of a neighbor's noisy party than being there. - Franklin P. Jones quote.
Nothing makes you more tolerant of a neighbor's noisy party than being there.

neighbors

I always say shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist. - Tamara Faye LaValley Bakker quote.
I always say shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist.

psychiatrist

A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. A psychiatrist is the man who collects the rent.

psychiatrist

Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings. - Dr. Laurence J. Peter quote.
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings.

psychiatrist

A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. - Joey Adams quote.
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.

psychiatrist

A psychiatrist is a man who goes to the Folies-Bergère and looks at the audience.

psychiatrist

One should only see a psychiatrist out of boredom. - Muriel Spark quote.
One should only see a psychiatrist out of boredom.

psychiatrist

Psychiatry is the art of teaching people how to stand on their own feet while reclining on couches. - Sigmund Freud quote.
Psychiatry is the art of teaching people how to stand on their own feet while reclining on couches.

psychiatrist

I am an obsessive rewriter, doing one draft and then another and another, usually five. In a way, I have nothing to say, but a great deal to add. - Gore Vidal quote.
I am an obsessive rewriter, doing one draft and then another and another, usually five. In a way, I have nothing to say, but a great deal to add.

writing

CONSOLATION GROOK

Losing one glove
is certainly painful,
but nothing
compared to the pain,
of losing one,
throwing away the other,
and finding
the first one again.

loss

PRAYER

Sun that givest all things birth,
shine on everything on earth!
If that's too much to demand,
shine at least on this our land.
If even that's too much for thee,
shine at any rate on me.

prayers

MISSING LINK

Man's a kind
of Missing Link,
fondly thinking
he can think.

critical thinking

MEETING THE EYE

You'll probably find
that it suits your book
to be a bit cleverer
than you look.
Observe that the easiest
method by far
is to look a bit stupider
than you are.

intelligence

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN

A poet should be of the
old-fashioned meaningless brand:
obscure, esoteric, symbolic, --
the critics demand it;
so if there's a poem of mine
that you do understand
I'll gladly explain what it means
till you don't understand it.

critics writing

AN ODE TO MODESTY

Talking of successful rackets
modesty deserves a mention.
Exclamation marks in brackets
never fail to draw attention.

modesty

CONVERSATION PEACE

There is a certain
labor-saving notion,
dear to a lazy-minded
generation,
that if you can but
keep your mouth in motion,
then every breath you take
is conversation.

conversation

MONEY

Sure, money's all wrong,
and the Devil decreed it!
It doesn't belong
to the people who need it.

money

There's an art of knowing when.
Never try to guess.
Toast until it smokes and then
twenty seconds less.
It ought to be plain
how little you gain
by getting excited
and vexed.
You'll always be late
for the previous train,
and always in time
for the next.

worry wise

If a nasty jagged stone
gets into your shoe,
thank the Lord it came alone --
what if it were two?

problems positive

We ought to live
each day as though
it were our last day
here below.
But if I did, alas,
I know
it would have killed me
long ago.

how to live life

A TIP

A tip to members of the literary profession
Those who can write
have a lot to learn
from those bright enough
not to.

writing

Hiring someone to write your autobiography is like hiring someone to take a bath for you. - Mae West quote.
Hiring someone to write your autobiography is like hiring someone to take a bath for you.

autobiography

Marriage is like a warm bath.  Once you get used to it, it's not so hot. - Cindy Adams quote.
Marriage is like a warm bath.  Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

marriage

Conservative: One who admires radicals a century after they're dead. - Leo Rosten quote.
Conservative: One who admires radicals a century after they're dead.
Leo Rosten The Modern Handbook of Humor, by Ralph Louis Woods

conservatives

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

commitment

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me. - Alice Roosevelt Longworth quote.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

gossip

Logic is in the eye of the logician. - Gloria Steinem quote.
Logic is in the eye of the logician.

logic

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? - Abraham Lincoln quote.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat! - Will Rogers quote.
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher. - Flannery O'Connor quote.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

books

Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt. - Scott Adams quote.
Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt.

life

I get mail; therefore I am. - Scott Adams quote.
I get mail; therefore I am.

Internet

Hard work is rewarding. Taking credit for other people's hard work is rewarding and faster. - Scott Adams quote.
Hard work is rewarding. Taking credit for other people's hard work is rewarding and faster.

office hard work

Caring about the quality of your work causes stress. Stress can kill you. Maintain good health by remembering that the stockholders are complete strangers who have never done anything for you. - Scott Adams quote.
Caring about the quality of your work causes stress. Stress can kill you. Maintain good health by remembering that the stockholders are complete strangers who have never done anything for you.

office

The job isn't done until you've blamed someone for the parts that went wrong. - Scott Adams quote.
The job isn't done until you've blamed someone for the parts that went wrong.

office

Carpe per diem—seize the cheque. - Robin Williams quote.
Carpe per diem—seize the cheque.

office

Employees make the best dates. You don't have to pick them up and they're always tax-deductible. - Andy Warhol quote.
Employees make the best dates. You don't have to pick them up and they're always tax-deductible.

office

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.

business economics

When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.

management

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. - W. C. Fields quote.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

equality

Experience enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. - Franklin P. Jones quote.
Experience enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

experience mistakes

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain quote.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

health

A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. - Ogden Nash quote.
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.

family

Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.

alcohol

Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny— Did you ever try buying then without money? - Ogden Nash quote.
Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny— Did you ever try buying then without money?

money

Do you think my mind is maturing late, or simply rotted early? - Ogden Nash quote.
Do you think my mind is maturing late, or simply rotted early?
Every Englishman is convinced of one thing, viz.: That to be an Englishman is to belong to the most exclusive club there is. - Ogden Nash quote.
Every Englishman is convinced of one thing, viz.: That to be an Englishman is to belong to the most exclusive club there is.

English people

Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn't it, of a long line of proven criminals? - Ogden Nash quote.
Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn't it, of a long line of proven criminals?

new year

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. - Ogden Nash quote.
Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.

happiness

I claim there ain't 
Another Saint 
As great as Valentine. - Ogden Nash quote.
I claim there ain't 
Another Saint 
As great as Valentine.
I do not like to get the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons. - Ogden Nash quote.
I do not like to get the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons.

news

I have an idea that the phrase 'weaker sex' was coined by some woman to disarm the man she was preparing to overwhelm. - Ogden Nash quote.
I have an idea that the phrase 'weaker sex' was coined by some woman to disarm the man she was preparing to overwhelm.

men and women

I hope my tongue in prune juice smothers, 
If I belittle dogs and mothers. - Ogden Nash quote.
I hope my tongue in prune juice smothers, 
If I belittle dogs and mothers.
I think remorse ought to stop biting the consciences that feed it. - Ogden Nash quote.
I think remorse ought to stop biting the consciences that feed it.

remorse conscience

I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all.

advertising

I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance, 
Were it not for making a living, which is rather a nouciance. - Ogden Nash quote.
I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance, 
Were it not for making a living, which is rather a nouciance.

office work

If you don't want to work you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work. - Ogden Nash quote.
If you don't want to work you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.

work

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them. - Ogden Nash quote.
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.

marriage

Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you. - Ogden Nash quote.
Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.

middle age

Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else. - Ogden Nash quote.
Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.

middle age

One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence. - Ogden Nash quote.
One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.

remorse

People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up. - Ogden Nash quote.
People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.
Professional men, they have no cares; 
whatever happens, they get theirs. - Ogden Nash quote.
Professional men, they have no cares; 
whatever happens, they get theirs.
Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long. - Ogden Nash quote.
Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.

progress

Remorse is a violent dyspepsia of the mind. - Ogden Nash quote.
Remorse is a violent dyspepsia of the mind.

remorse

Some debts are fun when you are acquiring them, but none are fun when you set about retiring them. - Ogden Nash quote.
Some debts are fun when you are acquiring them, but none are fun when you set about retiring them.
The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late. - Ogden Nash quote.
The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late.
The cow is of the bovine ilk; 
one end is moo, the other milk. - Ogden Nash quote.
The cow is of the bovine ilk; 
one end is moo, the other milk.
The most exciting happiness is the happiness generated by forces beyond your control. - Ogden Nash quote.
The most exciting happiness is the happiness generated by forces beyond your control.

happiness

The only people who should really sin are the people who can sin and grin. - Ogden Nash quote.
The only people who should really sin are the people who can sin and grin.

sin

The trouble with a kitten is that eventually it becomes a cat. - Ogden Nash quote.
The trouble with a kitten is that eventually it becomes a cat.

cats

There are people who are very resourceful, 
at being remorseful, 
and who apparently feel that the best way to make friends 
is to do something terrible and then make amends. - Ogden Nash quote.
There are people who are very resourceful, 
at being remorseful, 
and who apparently feel that the best way to make friends 
is to do something terrible and then make amends.

remorse

There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all.

conscience

To keep your marriage brimming, 
With love in the loving cup, 
Whenever you're wrong, admit it; 
Whenever you're right, shut up. - Ogden Nash quote.
To keep your marriage brimming, 
With love in the loving cup, 
Whenever you're wrong, admit it; 
Whenever you're right, shut up.

advisory marriage

Too clever is dumb. - Ogden Nash quote.
Too clever is dumb.

intelligence

I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up. - Mark Twain quote.
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.

decision-making

Life is not having been told that the man has just waxed the floor. - Ogden Nash quote.
Life is not having been told that the man has just waxed the floor.

life

Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep. - Fran Lebowitz quote.
Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.

life

By giving us the opinions of the uneducated, journalism keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community. - Oscar Wilde quote.
By giving us the opinions of the uneducated, journalism keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community.

journalism

Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right? - Robert Orben quote.
Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?

democracy politics

Politicians and diapers should be changed frequently and all for the same reason.

politicians

The best thing about this group of candidates is that only one of them can win. - Will Rogers quote.
The best thing about this group of candidates is that only one of them can win.

politicians

The reason there are so few female politicians is that it is too much trouble to put makeup on two faces.

politicians

Christian, n.: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbour. - Ambrose Bierce quote.
Christian, n.: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbour.

Christianity

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

religion

I think I'll believe in Gosh instead of God. If you don't believe in Gosh too, you'll be darned to heck.

God

Religions are like farts. Yours is good, but everyone else's stinks.
— Picket Fences

religion

The wages of sin are death, but after they take the taxes out, it's more like a tired feeling, really.

sin

Scientists should always state the opinions upon which their facts are based.

science scientists

I would have thought that the knowledge that you are going to be leapt upon by half-a-dozen congratulatory, but sweaty team-mates would be inducement not to score a goal.

sports

If at first you don't succeed, do it like your mother told you.

failure

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style. - Quentin Crisp quote.
If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.

failure

Do you realize if it weren't for Edison we'd be watching TV by candlelight?

technology

Don't get your knickers in a knot. Nothing is solved and it just makes you walk funny.

worry

It isn't what you know that counts, it's what you think of in time.
Make somebody happy today. Mind your own business. - Ann Landers quote.
Make somebody happy today. Mind your own business.
The trouble was that he was talking in philosophy, but they were listening in gibberish. - Terry Pratchett quote.
The trouble was that he was talking in philosophy, but they were listening in gibberish.

philosophy

Don't take life too seriously. You never get out alive.