Most popular funny quotes
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
It is useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they're madly in love, drunk, or running for office.
There is nothing you can say in answer to a compliment. I have been complimented myself a great many times, and they always embarrass me. I always feel they have not said enough.
I can live for two months on a good compliment.
Some fellows pay a compliment like they expected a receipt.
If you tell a good story, its narration will remind hearers of a bad one.
A never-failing way to get rid of a fellow is to tell him something for his own good.
Most people would sooner die than think, and often do.
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian [Native American].
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that "individuality" is the key to success.
Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some smaller countries are neutral.
There are only two kinds of people in this world. The realists and the dreamers. The realists know where they are going and the dreamers have already been there.
Most people want to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.
I take my children everywhere. Unfortunately, they find a way home.
Think twice before you speak, and then you may be able to say something more insulting than if you spoke right out at once.
You can get more done with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse races.
I'm learning about people the hard way, by being one.
It is not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
I have never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they could do was to go away.
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.
The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.
You're thinking I'm one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I'm not. I say it's a free country and you should be able to kill yourself at any rate you choose, as long as your cold dead body is not blocking my driveway.
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
Speak the truth, but leave immediately after.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
I'm not aging. I'm ripening to perfection.
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
Others have been made fools of by the girls; but, this can never be with truth said of me. I most emphatically, in this instance, made a fool of myself.
They once asked me what one person accounted for most of my personal felicity in life, and I said, 'That's easy—that would be my wife's first husband.'
Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.
"Classic." A book which people praise and don't read.
Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.
By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
Simple rules for saving money: To save half, when you are fired by an eager impulse to contribute to a charity, wait, and count forty. To save three-quarters, count sixty. To save it all, count sixty-five.
And my breasts—it's better not to mention them at all except to say that they seemed to be in a race to see which could be first to reach my knees.
I am definitely going to take a course on time management... just as soon as I can work it into my schedule.
Know yourself. Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
Be yourself. No one can ever tell you you're doing it wrong.
I don't want everyone to like me; I should think less of myself if some people did.
We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always respect their good judgment.
Wisdom is the quality that keeps you from getting into situations where you need it.
People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage.
The trouble with class reunions is that old flames have become even older.
Some folks never exaggerate—they just remember big.
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
If you're yearning for the good old days, just turn off the air conditioning.
We'd all like a reputation for generosity, and we'd all like to buy it cheap.
You can't put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories.
It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen.
Love letters are the campaign promises of the heart.
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.
You don't marry one person; you marry three: the person you think they are, the person they are, and the person they are going to become as the result of being married to you.
Married life teaches one invaluable lesson: to think of things far enough ahead not to say them.
A family vacation is one where you arrive with five bags, four kids and seven I-thought-you-packed-its.
Before most people start boasting about their family tree, they usually do a good pruning job.
The beauty of "spacing" children many years apart lies in the fact that parents have time to learn the mistakes that were made with the older ones—which permits them to make exactly the opposite mistakes with the younger ones.
Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
If children grew up according to early indications, we should have nothing but geniuses.
Willpower is being able to eat just one salted peanut.
Some people march to a different drummer—and some people polka.
Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
Some people get lost in thought because it's such unfamiliar territory.
A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours.
A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one-and-a-half times his own weight in other people's patience.
A bore is a fellow talker who can change the subject to his topic of conversation faster than you can change it back to yours.
It is better to have loafed and lost than never to have loafed at all.
I can do only one thing at a time, but I can avoid doing many things simultaneously.
A habit is something you can do without thinking—which is why most of us have so many of them.
The best way to break a habit is to drop it.
A bad habit never disappears miraculously; it's an undo-it-yourself project.
Lord, where we are wrong, make us willing to change; where we are right, make us easy to live with.
A leader who keeps his ear to the ground allows his rear end to become a target.
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
Swing hard, in case they throw the ball where you're swinging.
Experience is a wonderful thing; it enables you to recognize a mistake every time you repeat it.
Anybody who profits from the experience of others probably writes biographies.
Perhaps the angels who fear to tread where fools rush in used to be fools who rushed in.
We're all proud of making little mistakes. It gives us the feeling we don't make any big ones.
To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.
If at first you do succeed—try to hide your astonishment.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. There's no use in being a damn fool about it.
If at first you don't succeed, you are running about average.
Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably the reason so few engage in it.
It's strange how unimportant your job is when you're asking for a raise, but how important it can be when you want to take a day off.
Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel across the country from coast to coast without seeing anything.
Mincing your words makes it easier if you have to eat them later.
Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.
When a man eats his words, that's recyling.
Why doesn't the fellow who says "I'm no speechmaker" let it go at that instead of giving a demonstration?
The reason we make a long story short is so that we can tell another.
There is nothing like sealing a letter to inspire a fresh thought.
People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it.
Without education, we are in a horrible and deadly danger of taking educated people seriously.
When I want to read a novel, I write one.
No one should be allowed to play the violin until he has mastered it.
He who believes that the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs.
Truth hurts—not the searching after; the running from!
When you stretch the truth, watch out for the snapback.
You know you've reached middle age when a doctor, not a policeman, tells you to slow down, all you exercise are your prerogatives and it takes you longer to rest than to get tired.
If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all.
It's not easy taking my problems one at a time when they refuse to get in line.
What I'm looking for is a blessing that's not in disguise.
Nothing is really lost. It's just where it doesn't belong.
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
Serendipity is looking in a haystack for a needle and discovering the farmer's daughter.
Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.
Everybody wants to go back to nature—but not on foot.
The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind—a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.
Justice may be blind, but she has very sophisticated listening devices.
The real beauty of democracy is that the average man believes he is above average.
The bedfellows politics makes are never strange. It only seems that way to those who have not watched the courtship.
Politics has got so expensive that it takes lots of money to even get beat with nowadays.
No man should enter politics unless he is either independently rich or independently poor.
The truly skillful politician is one who, when he comes to a fork in the road, goes both ways.
Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
When things don't go well they like to blame presidents; and that's something that presidents are paid for.
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
A big disappointment in life is the discovery that the man who writes the finance company ads isn't the one who makes the loans.
Time was when the average person could pay as he goes. Nowadays he has to pay as he comes and goes.
An economist's guess is liable to be just as good as anybody else's.
The shortest recorded period of time lies between the minute you put some money away for a rainy day and the unexpected arrival of rain.
Money does make all the difference. If you have two jobs and you're rich, you have diversified interests. If you have two jobs and you're poor, you're moonlighting.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
A rand goes a long way these days. You can carry it around for days without finding a thing it will buy.
When a man says money can do anything, that settles it; he hasn't any.
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
Of the seven deadly sins, envy is the silliest, because if you have it, you don't feel better. You feel worse. I've had some good times with gluttony. We won't get into lust.
If at first you do succeed, quit trying.
That which is not worth doing at all is not worth doing well.
We believe that according the name investors to institutions that trade actively is like calling someone who repeatedly engages in one-night stands a romantic.
The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
It is human nature to think wisely and act in an absurd fashion.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
We are born in simplicity but die of complications.
The best cure for unrequited love: get to know them better.
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
Here's a rule I recommend: Never practice two vices at once.
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
I don't believe anything, but I have many suspicions.
It is very unnerving to be proven wrong, particularly when you are really right and the person who is really wrong is proving you wrong and proving himself, wrongly, right.
If you think you're enlightened go spend a week with your family.
Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
Admiration: acknowledgment of another's similarity to oneself.
How you lose or keep your hair depends on how wisely you choose your parents.
His indecision is final.
Many of us don't know what poor losers we are until we try dieting.
You must know your limitations. I drink a bottle of jack daniel's a day, that's mine.
I drink to make other people interesting.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
I drink no more than a sponge.
He has a profound respect for old age, Especially when it's bottled.
Whoever perpetrated the mathematical inaccuracy "two can live as cheaply as one" has a lot to answer for.
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
No man is completely useless; he can always serve as a bad example.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
To eat is human, to digest, divine.
Many a live wire would be a dead one except for his connections.
Angels can fly because they can take themselves lightly.
I would rather have my ignorance than another man's knowledge, because I have so much of it.
People who say that money can't buy happiness just don't know where to shop.
No problem is too big to run away from.
I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked at in the right way did not become still more complicated.
I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one.
That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers.
People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.
The penalty for success is to be bored by the people who used to snub you.
When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute—and it's longer than any hour. That's relativity.
The longest word in the English language is the one that follows the phrase, "And now a word from our sponsor."
In any community of a thousand souls there will be nine hundred doing the work, ninety doing well, nine doing good, and one lucky dog painting or writing about the other nine hundred and ninety-nine.
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
I think it's wonderful that you could all be here for the forty third anniversary of my thirty-ninth birthday. We decided not to light the candles this year—we were afraid Pan Am would mistake it for a runway.
Business is like sex. When it's good, it's very, very good; when it's not so good, it's still good.
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
You know children are growing up when they start asking questions that have answers.
I smoke in moderation. Only one cigar at a time.
My sister's at divinity school studying how to become a divinity, I suppose.
The hardest task in a girl's life is to prove to a man that his intentions are serious.
Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter-he's got to just know.
The longer I practice medicine the more convinced I am there are only two types of cases: those that involve taking the trousers off and those that don't.
Only presidents, editors and people with tapeworm have the right to use the editorial 'we'.
There have been many definitions of hell, but for the English the best definition is that it is the place where the Germans are the police, the Swedish are the comedians, the Italians are the defense force, Frenchmen dig the roads, the Belgians are the pop singers, the Spanish run the railways, the Turks cook the food, the Irish are the waiters, the Greeks run the government, and the common language is Dutch.
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
I won't eat anything that has intelligent life, but I'd gladly eat a network executive or a politician.
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late.
Matrimony is a process by which a grocer acquired an account the florist had.
It was loud in spots and less loud in other spots, and it all had that quality which I have noticed in all violin solos of seeming to last much longer than it actually did.
If thine enemy wrongs thee, buy each of his children a drum.
Nothing makes you more tolerant of a neighbor's noisy party than being there.
I always say shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist.
A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. A psychiatrist is the man who collects the rent.
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings.
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
A psychiatrist is a man who goes to the Folies-Bergère and looks at the audience.
One should only see a psychiatrist out of boredom.
Psychiatry is the art of teaching people how to stand on their own feet while reclining on couches.
I am an obsessive rewriter, doing one draft and then another and another, usually five. In a way, I have nothing to say, but a great deal to add.
CONSOLATION GROOK Losing one glove is certainly painful, but nothing compared to the pain, of losing one, throwing away the other, and finding the first one again.
PRAYER Sun that givest all things birth, shine on everything on earth! If that's too much to demand, shine at least on this our land. If even that's too much for thee, shine at any rate on me.
MISSING LINK Man's a kind of Missing Link, fondly thinking he can think.
MEETING THE EYE You'll probably find that it suits your book to be a bit cleverer than you look. Observe that the easiest method by far is to look a bit stupider than you are.
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN A poet should be of the old-fashioned meaningless brand: obscure, esoteric, symbolic, -- the critics demand it; so if there's a poem of mine that you do understand I'll gladly explain what it means till you don't understand it.
AN ODE TO MODESTY Talking of successful rackets modesty deserves a mention. Exclamation marks in brackets never fail to draw attention.
CONVERSATION PEACE There is a certain labor-saving notion, dear to a lazy-minded generation, that if you can but keep your mouth in motion, then every breath you take is conversation.
MONEY Sure, money's all wrong, and the Devil decreed it! It doesn't belong to the people who need it.
There's an art of knowing when. Never try to guess. Toast until it smokes and then twenty seconds less.
It ought to be plain how little you gain by getting excited and vexed. You'll always be late for the previous train, and always in time for the next.
If a nasty jagged stone gets into your shoe, thank the Lord it came alone -- what if it were two?
We ought to live each day as though it were our last day here below. But if I did, alas, I know it would have killed me long ago.
A TIP A tip to members of the literary profession Those who can write have a lot to learn from those bright enough not to.
Hiring someone to write your autobiography is like hiring someone to take a bath for you.
Marriage is like a warm bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
Conservative: One who admires radicals a century after they're dead.
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Logic is in the eye of the logician.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt.
I get mail; therefore I am.
Hard work is rewarding. Taking credit for other people's hard work is rewarding and faster.
Caring about the quality of your work causes stress. Stress can kill you. Maintain good health by remembering that the stockholders are complete strangers who have never done anything for you.
The job isn't done until you've blamed someone for the parts that went wrong.
Carpe per diem—seize the cheque.
Employees make the best dates. You don't have to pick them up and they're always tax-deductible.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.
When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
Experience enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.
Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.
Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny— Did you ever try buying then without money?
Do you think my mind is maturing late, or simply rotted early?
Every Englishman is convinced of one thing, viz.: That to be an Englishman is to belong to the most exclusive club there is.
Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn't it, of a long line of proven criminals?
Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
I claim there ain't Another Saint As great as Valentine.
I do not like to get the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons.
I have an idea that the phrase 'weaker sex' was coined by some woman to disarm the man she was preparing to overwhelm.
I hope my tongue in prune juice smothers, If I belittle dogs and mothers.
I think remorse ought to stop biting the consciences that feed it.
I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all.
I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance, Were it not for making a living, which is rather a nouciance.
If you don't want to work you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.
Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.
Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.
One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.
Professional men, they have no cares; whatever happens, they get theirs.
Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.
Remorse is a violent dyspepsia of the mind.
Some debts are fun when you are acquiring them, but none are fun when you set about retiring them.
The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late.
The cow is of the bovine ilk; one end is moo, the other milk.
The most exciting happiness is the happiness generated by forces beyond your control.
The only people who should really sin are the people who can sin and grin.
The trouble with a kitten is that eventually it becomes a cat.
There are people who are very resourceful, at being remorseful, and who apparently feel that the best way to make friends is to do something terrible and then make amends.
There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all.
To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.
Too clever is dumb.
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.
Life is not having been told that the man has just waxed the floor.
Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.
By giving us the opinions of the uneducated, journalism keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community.
Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?
Politicians and diapers should be changed frequently and all for the same reason.
The best thing about this group of candidates is that only one of them can win.
The reason there are so few female politicians is that it is too much trouble to put makeup on two faces.
Christian, n.: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbour.
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.
I think I'll believe in Gosh instead of God. If you don't believe in Gosh too, you'll be darned to heck.
Religions are like farts. Yours is good, but everyone else's stinks.
The wages of sin are death, but after they take the taxes out, it's more like a tired feeling, really.
Scientists should always state the opinions upon which their facts are based.
I would have thought that the knowledge that you are going to be leapt upon by half-a-dozen congratulatory, but sweaty team-mates would be inducement not to score a goal.
If at first you don't succeed, do it like your mother told you.
If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.
Do you realize if it weren't for Edison we'd be watching TV by candlelight?
Don't get your knickers in a knot. Nothing is solved and it just makes you walk funny.
It isn't what you know that counts, it's what you think of in time.
Make somebody happy today. Mind your own business.
The trouble was that he was talking in philosophy, but they were listening in gibberish.
Don't take life too seriously. You never get out alive.