Woody Allen Quotes

Most popular Woody Allen Quotes

Showing up is 80 percent of life.

life success

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
— Woody Allen
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
— Woody Allen

success

Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right.
— Woody Allen

sex

To you, I'm an atheist.  To God, I'm the loyal opposition.

atheism

I think crime pays. The hours are good and you travel a lot.
— Woody Allen

crime

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
— Woody Allen

money funny

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
— Woody Allen

God

I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
— Woody Allen

death

If you're not failing now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.
— Woody Allen

risk-taking failure

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
— Woody Allen
If you're born with a gift, to behave like it's an achievement is not right.
— Woody Allen

talent

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
— Woody Allen
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
— Woody Allen

marriage funny

I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers and they are going to make a game out of it.
— Woody Allen
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
— Woody Allen

funny sex love

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
— Woody Allen

work

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
— Woody Allen

immortality

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.

sex

For the first year of marriage I had basically a bad attitude. I tended to place my wife underneath a pedestal.
— Woody Allen

husband

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind—a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.
— Woody Allen

funny universe God

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that He's evil.  I think that the worst you can say about Him is that, basically, He's an underachiever.

God

A relationship, I think, is, is like a shark, you know?  It has to constantly move forward or it dies.  And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.

relationships

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely.  Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

Comedy

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose.
— Woody Allen

cynical

There's a speech I had to cut out of [the 1979 film] Manhattan and plan to get into the next film, where my character says that the metaphor for life is a concentration camp. I do believe that.

life