P. J. O'Rourke Quotes
Most popular P. J. O'Rourke Quotes
You can't get rid of poverty by giving people money.
Authority has always attracted the lowest elements in the human race.
There is one thing women can never take away from men. We die sooner.
For a purely untrustworthy human organ, the memory is right in there with the penis.
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
Every government is a parliament of whores. The trouble is, in a democracy the whores are us.
A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them.
Golf . . . combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.
When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.
Benjamin Franklin said, "Fish and visitors smell in three days," but old friends from college usually smell already.
Good manners are a combination of intelligence, education, taste, and style mixed together so that you don't need any of those things.
All writers know how hard it is to practice tough love on the children of our verbiage. Kick, the silly, labored metaphor out of the house.
If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat—in other words, turn you into an adult.
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Porsche 911 Cabriolet.
America is the world's policeman, all right—a big, dumb, mick flatfoot in the middle of the one thing cops dread most, a "domestic disturbance."
God is an elderly or, at any rate, middle-aged male, a stern fellow, patriarchal rather than paternal and a great believer in rules and regulations.
The only really good vegetable is Tabasco sauce. Put Tabasco sauce in everything. Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin.
If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.
One more swell thing about golf, it provides ammunition for the social bore. Who doesn't love cornering others with tales of action and adventure starring the self?
All the important lessons of life are contained in the three rules for achieving a perfect golf swing: 1. Keep your head down. 2. Follow through. 3. Be born with money.
Don't read science fiction books. lt'll look bad if you die in bed with one on the nightstand. Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of the night.
I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a "learning experience." Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I've done as a "learning experience." It makes me feel less stupid.
There is parody, when you make fun of people who are smarter than you; satire, when you make fun of people who are richer than you; and burlesque, when you make fun of both while taking your clothes off.
No drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the sources of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.
The Spanish enjoy teasing domestic animals, not only bulls but other barnyard creatures as well. They think it's quite merry if you kick their dogs, throw stones at their burros, and chase their chickens around with a stick.
The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.
Cats are to dogs what modern people are to the people we used to have. Cats are slimmer, cleaner, more attractive, disloyal, and lazy. It's easy to understand why the cat has eclipsed the dog as modern America's favorite pet. People like pets to possess the same qualities they do. Cats are irresponsible and recognize no authority, yet are completely dependent on others for their material needs. Cats cannot be made to do anything useful. Cats are mean for the fun of it. In fact, cats possess so many of the same qualities as some people (expensive girlfriends, for instance) that it's often hard to tell the people and the cats apart.