Groucho Marx Quotes

Most popular Groucho Marx Quotes

Humor is reason gone mad.

humor

Home is where you hang your head.
— Groucho Marx

home

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
— Groucho Marx

witty insults

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
— Groucho Marx

military

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
— Groucho Marx

wife

Before I speak, I have something important to say.
— Groucho Marx

oratory

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
— Groucho Marx

sex

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
— Groucho Marx

health

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
— Groucho Marx
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
— Groucho Marx
All people are born alike—except Republicans and Democrats.
— Groucho Marx

politics Democrats and Republicans

I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.
— Groucho Marx
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men-the other 999 follow women.
— Groucho Marx

leadership

Given the choice between a woman and a cigar, I will always choose the cigar.
— Groucho Marx

cigars Cigar

Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?
— Groucho Marx

marriage

If there was no action around, he would play solitaire—and bet against himself.
— Groucho Marx

gambling

Please accept my resignation.  I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

giving up

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.
— Groucho Marx

honesty

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
— Groucho Marx

critics

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
— Groucho Marx

witty insults

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
— Groucho Marx

politics